Four kinds of love
There are many kinds of love. Romantic love, friendship, family, compassion. All of them matter in their own way.
In February the shops would have you believe there is only one kind, and that it comes in a red box.
In Buddhist teaching there are four elements of true love. They are a useful way to look at any love in your life: a marriage of thirty years, a grown child, an old friend, a brand new grandchild.
The four elements
- Maitri, loving kindness. The wish and the ability to bring joy and happiness to another person. That depends on understanding who they really are, including their troubles and sorrows. Without understanding, love is not possible, because if what you bring someone is sorrow or suffering, it is not love.
- Karuna, compassion. When you feel compassion for someone, you have the wish and the ability to ease their pain.
- Mudita, joy. True love is full of joy. If another person's love makes you cry or hurt, or yours does that to them, it is not true love.
- Upeksha, freedom. True love gives the person you love freedom, and their love gives freedom to you. Freedom on the outside and on the inside.
The last one tends to matter more as the years go by. Grown children need room to live their own lives. Long marriages need a little air in them. A lot of loving after 50 is learning to hold on a bit less tightly.
To be there
The Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh said, "To love is above all to be there."
It is beautiful because it is so plain. Money cannot bring love, and neither can gifts. Love is time. The time you spend fully present with someone is what love is.
He also offered a very simple mantra to live by: "Dear one, I am here for you." When you understand that and are really present in another person's life, you will know what true love is.
A February idea
Send the card if you like. Then add an hour. Choose one person you love, sit with them or call them, and give them your full attention for that hour. No other screens, no list running in the back of your head.
It costs nothing, and it is the one gift that fits all four.
From the archive. First written for my journal years ago, and rewritten for life after 50.
