When you cannot change it

For years I seemed to write about change more than anything else. It kept coming at me, faster and stronger each time, and usually when I was not expecting it.

Back then I used to think I would be happiest if I could just sit quietly and read. Now that would have been a change. I also suspected it was a slightly selfish thought, and not one that would do me or anyone else much good.

Everyone has a situation they tried hard to change and could not. Someone you liked who did not like you back. A job you wanted and did not get. A friend you were sure would be there for you, who in the end was not.

I came to see that holding on to the wish to change it does not work. Pushing against something that will not move only brings more pain and sadness.

The thing you can change

When you finally accept that there is no way to change the situation, something else opens up. The work moves to you. Your thoughts, your actions, your mind.

That can sound like a consolation prize. In my experience it is often the bigger blessing. A fresh start with a new way of looking at things can take you somewhere you would never have gone if the first plan had worked out.

Life may not turn out the way you planned it. Very few lives do. But change can bring the chance to become the person you always thought you could be.

After 50

By this point most of us have a list of things we could not change. A job that went the wrong way, a family member who will never see it our way, a plan that simply did not happen. Some of them still sting.

It helps to notice when you are still playing a losing game, trying the same thing year after year and hoping for a different answer. Once you see it, you can stop. Then you can start looking for ways forward you had never thought of.

The person you are next year may be the polar opposite of the person you are today. That might be the greatest gift you could give yourself, and the people around you.

So pick one thing you have been trying to change for far too long. Write it down. Underneath, write one small thing you could change in yourself instead, and try that for a week.

From the archive. First written for my journal years ago, and rewritten for life after 50.